Monday, February 16, 2009

all ten still there

this month, i'm sucking up sleep like a desert-dry sponge. consequently, the first thing i did when i arrived in budapest last friday and put down my luggage, mister monsieur attending japanese class, was to curl up on the couch and sleep. just like that.

and in my sleep, i dreamt. it wasn't the most comfortable sleep and since the couch isn't really that huge, i woke up several times from half slipping off.
one of my dreams seemed to be set on a camping ground in some mountain area. there were caravans and i walked past one, observing it closer or something, and talking to the person who came out to see. then, as my fading memory remembers, the dream somehow changed and i was with my dear friend linlith. we walked uphill in a small village located in the proximity of the camping ground, with the mountains looming up ahead of us.

as we walked, we spoke about a variety of things. finally, she told me with a rather sudden surprise that she's expecting a baby. i was amazed (it not being her first) and the usual shade of happy for people that expect babies. we went on, and i asked her about wether she already knows some names and the gender of the child, as i absentmindedly put my left hand's index finger into my mouth.

the memory of her answer (if there was any) is gone, but what followed was: me exerting pressure (with my teeth) on my index finger (not wanting to use the word to bite) when, suddenly, the bone's resistance gave away and

i bit of the last digit of my left hand's index finger.

just like that. once i crushed the resistance of the bone, the insides of it revealed themselves to be very soft and somewhat grainy/dry... marrow (?).

after that: i remember only being very remotely aware of my friend's presence, as my dreaming mind fully focused on myself. surprisingly, my finger, now pulled out of my mouth, was hardly bloody. it had a tiny red stain, but apart from that it seemed almost already covered with uneven skin. the separated digit, though, as i took it out of my mouth, revealed itself to be utterly crushed and, as i quickly considered, probably unsuitable to be reattached. there was hardly pain; but the emotion that filled every corner of my mind was the simple horror of what i had done. i had just bitten of a part of my own finger; as simple as that. thoughts flashed through my mind, considering wether or not i'd still be able to play piano, and the like. having sunk on my knees, i was screaming not with pain but horror and the shock of not being able to repair this. what lasted in my mouth was the strong awareness of that soft/grainy/dry marrow/bone material sticking to my molar teeth.

just then, i woke up. shocked and still half asleep i checked by fingers several times for missing digits. what lasted was that feeling of something stuck to my teeth (though i also checked there, several times), which lasted even as i (completely spaced out) answered the telephone and went out to meet sweetlurve infront of the grocery store.


saturninus said...

I have heard that story at least 10 times now, but it is still giving me the shivers.
how lucky that the next day I also had a "mutilation dream" with the cigarette burn... :)

Yu said...

yes; and i really don't like the feeling when telling a story to someone while another person sits nearby who has heard it already several times.

but then, one cannot always tell new stories.